dontgiveafock | [ 007 ] [ Video ]

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[ 007 ] [ Video ]

[The video starts with Joe grinning at his journal, evidently amused by something or other. He glances up to the ceiling above him and chuckles. To someone, or something off screen and very much not on the ground, Joe speaks.]

Lad, I ain't got no one around to do what yer askin' with.

[Shaking his head, he looks back to the journal.]

Right. Just to let the lot of ye know, we've got a spider livin' in the keep that's a bit bigger than the usual bug. He's harmless unless y'piss him off. Fer the most part, he's like a 5 year old.

[He shifts the journal enough for the video feed to pick up a football sized spider zipping across the wall and down the hall. The spider, Patty, appears to be carrying a plant of some kind.]

The little bastards flogged the mistletoe from the Great Hall. He's runnin' around the place stickin' it up above doorways an' hoverin' around the rooftops lookin' fer people.

Since a lot of ye ain't from Earth, I dunno how many'll know what mistletoe is. It's a bit of a tradition back home. Mistletoe is a kind of plant. If you an' another end up standin' underneath it, you gotta kiss. I mean, y'don't gotta, but it's tradition to just go fer it.

[Joe grins, not even bothering to hide his amusement.]

Kiss whoever is nearest and the spider'll leave you alone. Otherwise, just tell him to go bug someone else. Y'can always try to chase him off I guess, but I can't see him takin' too well to that.

Base point, if the plant is over yer head, grab the nearest person and slap a kiss on 'em, aye? Have fun.

[That said, the video cuts out.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So it's a fertility ritual.

[ALL OF THE SIDE-EYE.]

Nah. 'least I don't think so. Never met anyone to get knocked up from a snog under some mistletoe.

Kissin' under a branch ain't where babies come from, Nel.

[Teasing? Why yes he is.]

No more than jumping over a fire gets you pregnant, but there you are.

Besides the point, I shouldn't presume to know how off-worlders procreate. I've read theories involving large white birds-- storks, is it? They leave bundles of squalling joy by flying through carelessly left-open windows?

[HA HA THOSE FAIRY TALES!]

Oh ho that's some fine readin' material you've got there Nel. Very matter of fact and full of truth and shite.

[The amusement still rings clear in his tone.]

I'm sure it is. You're all so outlandish.

[Nel has an impressive poker face, and she can do perfect monotone drawl, but this is how she lightens up.]

I'll have you know the stork brought both me and me baby brother to Ma and Pa's house. Knocked little Seany's head on the window to get 'em to open up. Accidental, the stork reckons.

[He's got that matter of fact voice going. Very convincing. Yep.]

He did seem a bit -- touched. It's all coming together now.

[Bland. So bland.]

Aye. M'gonna have to pour a toast to my dear baby bro. Special little lad that he is.

[Joe gives an exaggerated sniff, as though choking back a sob.]

You on the other hand should keep yer eyes on the ceilin'.

Wait, what?

[Oh. Right.

Those fertility plants.]

Don't worry about me. Anyone who tries to take advantage will be set straight.

Live a little, Nel. Y'never know where it might get ya.

[It stings a little to hear it from him, but Nel smooths that over gracefully. The past is past and she's moved on.]

I know exactly where it might get me.

Sounds like a story there, but I ain't gonna bug you to share if you don't want.

[He lets it drop.]

Enjoy yerself is all I'm sayin'.

I'll try.

That sounds a bit silly to me.

[Joe laughs at that.]

Aye, I guess it is. Still, gives an excuse to whack a kiss on someone without it bein' too weird.

Well I guess if you like to do that sort of thing this is the perfect excuse.

Yer directin' this at me? Oh no lass I ain't the sort.

[Really. He's totally innocent and not a flirt at all.]

I'm sure you're a perfect gentleman, Joe.

'course I am. I open doors and offer me arm to ladies an' everythin'.

Oh Joe, how delightful. Any woman would be lucky to experience your wonderful manners.

What a great time to be stuck in bed.

[And, you know, have a wife and all that.]

Call yer girl an' tell her to come to you.

[Amusement. Joe has it.]

Now there's the perfect medicine if you ask me.

You'll be runnin' about in no time.

I don't know. I kinda like the ideas of ladymons coming after me instead of me chasing them for once.

Y'mean they don't come runnin' already? Ach, that's a bit sad, Kev.

Ladymons here just be too afraid to try something new. Their loss I suppose. Now Talia's got me all to herself.

[Much as he talks this troll is completely faithful.]

What? NO!

What? YES!

I'm not kissing someone just because a bug with a stick told me to.

*Its icky.*

Oh c'mon Sollux. The little guy might be onto somethin'.

No.

Just be careful where y'standin' then and who's around.

[Joe's doing a pretty poor job at hiding his amusement. Sorry Sollux!]

*SIGH*

...that's too crazy to be a joke.

Aye, that it is. Y'don't have it back at home then?

[SAD DAYS.]

Oh, no. We have mistletoe. Except it's usually only carried around by crazy mothers trying to set you up with the neighbors kid, or drunk college people hoping to not have to work too hard to get some action.

Never seen a spider take an interest in human make-out rituals.

[Joe chuckles.]

That's where Patty ain't yer normal spider. He's the size of a football fer starters. Quite the personality on 'im too. Smart little bugger.

...wait.

A football. Like...round or oblong?

[Not that it really matters, because either way HOLY FUCK THAT'S A BIG ASS SPIDER.]

Oblong!

[Joe clicks on the video feed to flash a grin and motion with his hands. Damn straight that's a big ass spider.]

Yer not a spiderphobe are ye?

No, not really. Though I appreciate the warning; I think just randomly coming across a spider that big without some kind of awareness of his existence would have inspired a pretty undignified response.

So why's he so keen on getting people to smooch?

[Joe chuckles. He's been around Patty for so long that a spider that big isn't weird at all for him. Not to say it wasn't, but that was forever ago.]

I keep forgettin' people aren't used to creatures like him.

Perverted little shit likes watchin' peoples reactions. He's big on celebrations and traditions and the like. Y'should see him with a Christmas tree. Patty has himself a party. Baubles all over the place fer months after.

[A perverted...spider. Give Tammy a second to process that.]

Well, at least he's friendly. Preferable to the alternative, as far as I'm concerned.

So if I see him and tell him I'm not in a kissing mood he won't wrap me in web, right?

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